Aufwiedersehen! Ten Hag Fired After Three Games
When I was young, getting cut off and unceremoniously shown the exit of whatever bar I was in was an occasional occurrence. I wasn’t one to instigate fisticuffs or go on expletive-laced tirades against anyone and everyone who I perceived to have wronged me in some way — in fact, I was generally told I was welcome back once I’d had the chance to sleep it off for a week.
But this one time, at a local watering hole called Paoli’s in Woodland Hills, California, it took me zero alcohol and about nine minutes to be told to leave. Multiple decades on, the reason still escapes me. As a regular, I knew virtually everyone there, and greeted them with appropriate enthusiasm.
It was when I tried to order my first Red Label on the rocks that it all went south. Yes, I was about 25 and broke, so stop judging. Anyway, the bar manager — a generally pleasant fella named Nacho — told me I couldn’t be served because I was clearly already drunk. Never mind that being wasted had never stopped them from serving me before, I hadn’t had a drop.
I half-heartedly pleaded my case to no avail. I hadn’t even gotten angry about it yet when Nacho said if I didn’t leave, the cops would be called. Good God, man, it’s like 8 o’clock. The karaoke hadn’t even started. Is nine minutes some kind of record? So I went next door to an English pub named Pickwick’s and spent my money there.
Last Call Already?
Ever open a bottle of champagne, pop the cork, and find yourself staring at bubbles that were long gone before they even hit the glass? That’s Erik ten Hag’s stint at Bayer Leverkusen in a nutshell — fizzed out before you could say “Prost!”
The Dutch tactician arrived in Leverkusen riding the coattails of a Manchester United sacking and a flashy managerial résumé. Two Bundesliga games later, and — boom — he’s back packing his bags, breaking records for the shortest coaching tenure in league history. The only thing moving faster than his exit speed was me just refilling my Bailey’s and coffee.
I abhor deep research about anything that I am not actively trying to learn - for example, the recipe for the perfect boulevardier or Sydney Sweeney’s favorite places to sunbathe - but even a cursory dive into the Internet of thing reveals that there is no precedent for someone getting fired this quickly from any managerial job - soccer or otherwise - without other mitigating factors like ownership change.
Leverkusen Sporting Director Simon Rolfes said that the squad wasn’t taking shape the way leadership had hoped, and CEO Fernando Carro called the decision “painful but necessary.” Really? Painful but necessary was that antibiotic script after that one weekend in Tijuana. This was a hit job. I have no insight into what realistic expectations were for a team that won the Bundesliga just a couple of seasons ago but have since sold off most of it’s best players — including German National team stalwarts, Jonathan Tah and Florian Wirtz — but how is only three games (two if you’re counting only Bundesliga games) a sufficient sample size to make that call?
My beloved Wigan Athletic sacked legendary Arsenal defender Kolo Toure after 9 futile games in charge. But with Kolo, he hadn’t any real managerial experience to speak of and was quite quickly and evidently not up to the task. Spurs and England legend Paul Gascoigne was canned by a non-league side after a handful of games, but the squad’s ownership alleged alcohol abuse. Former USMNT coach Bob Bradley lasted a disastrous 11 games with Swansea but they were shipping goals in defense like longshoreman in a brothel… and I swear I had somewhere I was going with that analogy. But I can’t find anything like what’s happened with Ten Hag.
He Had to Have Banged Someone’s Sister… Right?
Ten Hag has a track record of success on his CV, but not everyone likes him. His personality has been described in less than flattering light by many over his career.
In an Observer profile, Ten Hag’s charisma is described as "strange" — effective for those onboard but intolerable to some. Know who else was strange? Phil Jackson. Ten Hag doesn’t have quite the amount of silverware that Phil does, but when success is part of the end result, eccentricity is generally ignored as part of the recipe.
He’s opined that the new generation of players are unable to handle criticism, as if that’s a new concept. Know who else is not able to handle criticism? The older generation of players. Retired players. Dead players. Any player who ever played. Coaches, for better or worse, have used the media as a motivational tool for underperforming players since the invention of the media.
Peers have said he lacks empathy and the ability to connect with his players sufficiently. Gee, sounds like something a jealous unemployed coach would say with a dash of Angostura bitterness in his cocktail.
These are all things that aren’t great but hardly makes Ten Hag unique as a manager or coach. Nor are they things that weren’t widely known about him before he was hired by Leverkusen. They don’t even make him a convenient scapegoat, as coaches often are. There has to be more. If you ask me, it’s gotta be something like naked pictures with the chairman’s wife.
The (120) Proof in the (Boozy) Pudding?
Ten Hag was a convenient scapegoat for Manchester United’s poor 2024-2025 league season. Never mind that the squad was aging, and he inherited a bunch of players who didn’t suit his style. His immediate successor at Manchester United is Ruben Amorim - personality wise the polar opposite of Ten Hag. He was supposed to be the guy that restored Man U to its former glory under Sir Alex Ferguson but instead, after less than a full season in charge, he’s not just already skating on thin ice. He’s bobsledding on grease. Amorim now holds the worst Premier League start for a “Big Six” manager after 26 games — just 0.92 points per game, totaling only 24 points. Those are some Old Overholt results for one of the world’s Basil Hayden clubs.
Beyond this, Man U’s win rate is a paltry 37.8% with Amorim in charge - and this includes cup matches where massive teams like the Red Devils often play against minnows, many tiers below them in the hierarchy of English soccer. In fact, their most recent humiliating loss was to League 2 Grimsby Town in the Carabao Cup. This is like telling your pals you matched with Ana De Armas on Tinder and then one of them somehow sneaks a photo of you with the landlord lady from Kingpin and makes it go viral on Twitter. There isn’t enough Everclear to wash that slate clean.
Here’s a thought. Maybe it’s not the coaches. Maybe the players have something to do with it. Maybe a coach should be given more than one or two transfer windows to architect the squad in a way that suits their style. Not eveyone wants a muddled cherry in the bottom of their old fashioned, after all. I will be shocked if Amorim makes it another month in charge.
Who is Ten Hag’s Pickwick’s?
I wonder who is going to be Ten Hag’s Pickwick’s? Surely a manager with his lengthy track record — character and personality concerns aside — will have overtures. He won’t sit idle for long. Most clubs tend to be like Paoli’s - cutting you off before you’ve had a chance to grab a drink, the microphone, and send the crowd into rapture with your rendition of Walking in Memphis. Others serve you doubles until you collapse on the sticky floor.
Ten Hag just got Nacho’d. The Bundesliga slammed the door in his face after nine minutes, figuratively speaking. Maybe one day we’ll get the real story behind the rapid and unceremonious 86-ing from Leverkusen, but for the moment, we are left to speculate and wonder which clubs will slide him a Red Label and have him warm up the ole pipes for some Delilah? Come to think of it, considering his contract has to be paid in full despite the brevity of his term, he’s probably aiming a little higher than Red. My guess? He takes a year or two off and then catches on with Borussia Moenchen Gladbach, one of Leverkusen’s most bitter rivals. Wouldn’t that be a fun nightcap to an ultimately ill-fated tryst.
Torsten / 120 Proof Ball
Proof that the internet was a mistake.
