The tux was pressed. The spreadsheets were ready. Reality showed up drunk and threw a chair. Torsten breaks down his fantasy football season — what actually worked, what exploded on the launchpad, and how he still managed to stumble out of five leagues with enough cash to briefly consider being a better person.

The tuxedo’s psychological warfare is undefeated.

Results may vary.

Trash talk has a line, usually found somewhere between ‘your mom smells of elderberries’ and ‘your mom is the village mule,’ since everybody’s had a ride.

What follows is Torsten’s confessional about his own brush with extracurricular justice in a high school soccer match involving a fast striker, a slow referee, and an insult so nuclear it triggered a response normally reserved for nature documentaries.

Torsten builds the Mount Rushmore of the greatest smack-talkers across sports history — the artists, the sociopaths, the philosophers, and Philip Rivers.

There are bad beats, and then there are the ones that make you suspect fate is running a side hustle against you.

We’re talking about losses so absurd they violate math, time, space, and whatever gods supervise fantasy football. Weeks where projected wins evaporate, touchdowns get erased, and your QB rewrites the laws of statistics in the worst possible direction. You sit there asking, “Why me? How did everything that could go wrong invent new ways to go wrong?”

This is where those stories live. Bring your trauma. Share your story. The Hall of Fame is open.

“I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”

Here are the five fantasy football expected studs who likely have you feeling like the dad who just had the cops drop off his 12-year-old at home after finding him at the local nudie joint.

We all play fantasy football for fun. Let’s make sure your commissioner has fun too, and is not actively plotting your demise with every waking moment.

It starts with a tuxedo and ends with a flowerbed. Somewhere in between, Torsten rewrites the fantasy football commandments and maybe exorcises a few personal demons along the way.