Teams have rivalries. Fanbases have trauma. Tottenham just found a new way to combine both: their manager sipping coffee from a mug with rival Arsenal’s logo on it like it was no big deal. Torsten explains why “it’s just a mug” is the first lie Rome ever told itself, and why sports are basically religion with worse outfits. Also, Salma Hayek is involved. Long story.

Sit down, have a beer. Just don’t drink it out of enemy drinkware.

Trash talk has a line, usually found somewhere between ‘your mom smells of elderberries’ and ‘your mom is the village mule,’ since everybody’s had a ride.

What follows is Torsten’s confessional about his own brush with extracurricular justice in a high school soccer match involving a fast striker, a slow referee, and an insult so nuclear it triggered a response normally reserved for nature documentaries.

Torsten builds the Mount Rushmore of the greatest smack-talkers across sports history — the artists, the sociopaths, the philosophers, and Philip Rivers.